And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
