my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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