he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
What a dumb baby whore.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
