Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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