You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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