I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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