If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
