I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
