Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
