I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
