smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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