I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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