Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
