literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
