friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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