If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
