I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
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No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
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It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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