So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
