All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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