Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
