Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
babies were throwing up all over the place
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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