I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
