Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
