my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
this hospital has no fireball
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
