I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
