the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
