I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
