K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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