Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
