i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
did i just pee glitter
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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