census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
