Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
