If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
