I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
this is an emotional support booty call
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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