My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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