Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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