Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
