my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I am one with the molecules
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
