he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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