I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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