the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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