I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
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I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
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Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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