someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
