If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
