I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I need to calm my uterus...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
