remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
