she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize