First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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