New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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