You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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