i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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