turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
