just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
