im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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