i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
