Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
