Kareoke will never be a sober sport
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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