I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He felt like a one man threesome
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
