this beer tastes like vomit already
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize