i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
